he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
