I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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