New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
