I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
