i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
