Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
