he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
tell me about the eggs
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
