just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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