Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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