If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
