i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
