Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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