i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
