I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
