I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
