dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
accomplished twins. life is a go
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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