I just pynch a tree in the face
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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