I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize