get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
