When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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