I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??