So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?