I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
