Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize