Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
