ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
