im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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