we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
