from now on my penis is your penis
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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