how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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