dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
