remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
