I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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