Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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