based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
