if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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