I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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