and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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