So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
