a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Are we still banned from the library?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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