So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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