The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
