god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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