Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
NoShamevember. You game?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
