Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
