my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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