Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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