xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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