Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he thought i was a dude.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
