i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
