just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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