All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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