listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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