i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...