We're like a lot better than the average bears
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
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Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.