Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.